Saturday, January 22, 2011

All-Time Cantina Critter Tournament

Here it is, what everyone has not been waiting for...the tournament to decide who is your favorite Colley Cantina 'patron' of All-Time. There are many deserving candidates, but only a chosen few will actually be seeded in the tournament with a chance to be named The All-Time Cantina Critter. Whitey and I (and Bobby Mac) will provide some initial candidates, but we more than welcome any additional suggestions. We would like to post pictures (a la the video game tourney which now, finally, after six months, we will move on to a second round), so if you have any send 'em on -

But back to our contest. We have some initial qualifiers, many of whom you will recognize due to their consistent appearance on the wrong side of the bar.  Remember, this is a battle of the best-of-the-best, not a pissing contest with your ex-boyfriend. We want your favorites - we're not here to settle old scores...

So let's get started. The envelope please!
  1. Kenny Harmon. A strong number one seed at this point. Anyone wishing to knock Kenny out better bring their A-game.
  2. Deb S'Marco. Or Smarco or S. Marco or maybe it's DeMarco. Who cares, we all know who she is and, again, a strong one seed. Also an employee at times, which only solidifies her seed seeing as she was also banned from the Cantina on multiple occasions.
  3. Mr. Robert McNamara. While he is one of the initiators of this contest, he now becomes a contestant. Anyone with their own language (McAneese) named after them is a strong contender. Single-handedly made sure the crack machine and Bud draft were money makers. Hold on - did he ever pay for those beers...
  4. Greg Herman. Chess aficionado. I believe he also had a freakin' tab at Starbucks. C'mon man, they're not going to give you the patent on that thing...
  5. Vic Demise. Well, his name is Vic Demise. 
  6. Taylor. The best posture on a man drinking pitchers of draft beer. Ever.
  7. Nathan Berger. Yep, Nathan. Probably still there. Nice guy. Probably...still there.
  8. Vegas. At last report, Vegas is a current employee of the Cantina. Which boggles my mind. Well, no it doesn't. Anyone who calls themselves Vegas can't really be looking for less attention.
  9. Miami Rob. I don't remember much about Miami Rob except that he was banned from the Cantina every so often and he wore flip flops all the time. 
  10. Country, or, as we all know him, Hammer Down. One of a kind. Just when you thought you'd seen it all this guy came along. "Hammer down, Robert! Hammer down!"
  11. Billy Baggs. As a rule we're trying to avoid employees. Alright, no we're not. Billy, also known as The Mayor of Colley Avenue, has been a Cantina staple for time immemorial. Could be a sentimental favorite.
  12. Steve Fernandez. Ah, Steve. The only person I've ever truly feared was going to kill someone (Herman) on a golf course. His inclusion on this list is sure to piss him off - which is only one reason why he's on it.
  13. Wild Bill. His name was Bill, but no one called him Bill. Everyone called him Wild Bill and he knew it. I have no clue what his chosen profession was, but it might as well have been drinking at the Cantina five days a week. 
  14. Matt Brown. I think his last name was Brown. Regardless, Matt will always be famous for his "breaking big rocks into smaller rocks" comment, and was pretty much known as not the smartest guy you'd ever met.
That's your start. Trust me, we know of many other candidates but we want to hear yours. We'll rank everyone and start the tourney, well, as soon as we feel like it. Soon. Happy reminiscing! (HERE is what the bracket looks like currently,, definitely going to change before the contest begins!)

See a Critter? We do!


  1. Honorable mentions...... Zodiac, Trippin Kevin, Russell the love muscle (Wild Bills sidekick).
    I think Matt Brown had the nickname of "doo-doo." I vaguely remember a full frontal photo of him as well. Lovely memory over my morning coffee :) Aw guys those were the days. My vote is Kenny Harmon. He is the epitome of "critter".

  2. Was Zodiac the guy with the cane who always talked to...oh man, what was her name? Waitress...smelled like patchouli...Trippin' Kevin is a strong candidate to make the cut - that dude was insane.

  3. Oh lawd, Michelle.......... didn't Al hang out with her in the Alley?

  4. In the AL-ley? HA! There has been a rumor that Mr. Barksdale will join the list. We'll see...

    What there has been is considerable movement concerning our initial contestants. Some genius taught Bobby how to drink and text at the same time, so the list grows. A few strong favorites:

    1. Steve aka The Ninja Gardener. How we missed this I don't know. Steve is in and will receive a strong seeding as well.

    2. Tall Michelle. Tall Michelle? Ask Robert.

    3. Cockney Rex.

    4. Captain Huevos. I always thought Capt. Huevos was another name for Leonard, but obviously I'm wrong.

    5. The Rat. This is an extremely controversial candidate. While The Rat is most definitely a Critter, he's also not a real person. That said, how can we resist a possible semi-final match-up between The Rat and Billy Baggs? Problem is, The Rat is a STRONG sentimental favorite. If we put him in, it's hard to see him losing to anyone.

    6. Al Barksdale. Sigh. I'm of two minds on this and can go either way. One of the classic Cantina personalities of all-time, it's hard to see keeping him out. On the other hand, I have a level of respect for the man that might trump putting him in. TBD.

    7. Charles from the Naro. I'll take a Bud draft pitcher please. And, no, I won't talk to anyone. I'd like to see Charles and Taylor go head-to-head.

    8. Matches. I don't know who Matches is, but I suppose it's some guy who came in and grabbed matches all the time. Could be wrong on that. I've been wrong before.

    9. Run Around Sue. Hmmm...

    10. Crazy Kevin. And god knows, he was crazy.

    11. Robbie. A brief but memorable Cantina employee. Not necessarily a Critter as much as strange, although the two often go hand-in-hand.

    12. Stan. Stan was before my time, but I know of him, saw him occasionally, and would be surprised if he's still alive.

    If you have any others, now's the time to bring 'em out!

  5. Oh, I forgot Jeff Maisey, everyone's favorite rock critic!

  6. I was going to nominate Charles from the Naro as well....

    Psycho Killer
    Qu'est-ce que c'est
    fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
    Run run run run run run run away

  7. Jeff who drank rum and coped a few feels on unsuspecting drunk girls.
    Mike Gears. Anyone with respect tatooed across their neck deserves a mention.
    Chrispy. Ahhh Chrispy. Though he worked there, he could "out critter" anyone!
    Michelle(shots with mommy) for feeding her kids shots of soda while she took vodka!
    Joe. He owns the place but quite possibly could be the most fucked up of all!

  8. What about that one guy who had white hair and wore really big eyeglasses..He reminded me of 'Dog Boy'....a character...

  9. Kenny Harmen def gets me vote! We called him the weasel :)

  10. what about Ali??
    or TRINA????

  11. Kenny=Meerkat, not critter

  12. From our favorite texter. This morning. Early. Or last night. Late...

    who am i forgeting

    all time cantina critter (eclectic)LIST
    Kenny Harmon.
    Deb S'Marco or Smarco
    Mr. Robert McNamara
    Greg Herman
    Vic Demise
    Nathan Berger
    Billy Baggs
    Miami Rob
    Cockney rex
    Ninja gardener
    Professor pedophile
    Run a round Sue
    Crabby (Krazy Kevin)
    Crabby’s Bro Scott
    Scallop Bob (Anderson)
    Ken Karloff (nutty professor)
    Big Head todd
    Tall Michelle
    Izzo’s sister
    Wild bill
    Snaggletooth( steak& eggs Guy)
    Steve Fernandez
    John hickey
    West end gang dude named Lee
    Al papsAdaro
    Bi polar door guy
    Grace bin Ladin

    you've got 32 eclectic norfolkian ghentites that once reigned upon the Cantina. Yet we have left off Snappy, Stan, several other crack *&^%$'s, and a plethora of ornery gay fellows. One more week and it’s time to set brackets

  13. can I get a Vince from Delvecchios? you know what I sayin? what you think DIET-Z?

  14. It's not Vince it's Lance...he taught me how to slice a pizza correctly. Until that point I had no idea there was a WRONG way but I was, well, wrong. Delvecchios had those great garlic knots - man those were good. And didn't Lance join the Air Force or something? Not a bad call.

    This is the latest and almost (we hope) complete list. From Bobby Mac:

    Kenny Harmon
    Deb S'Marco Or Smarco
    Mr. Robert McNamara
    Greg Herman
    Vic Demise
    Nathan Berger
    Billy Baggs
    Miami Rob
    Cockney Rex
    Ninja gardener …Steve Anderson…face like an angel
    Patches… eggplant bum with pink pigment
    Run a round Sue… lived under Izzo’s house…soups not hot
    Demetrius… bum who ashed in beer
    Crabby (Krazy Kevin)
    Crabby’s Bro Scott
    Scallop Bob(Anderson)
    Ken Karloff … professor pedophile
    Big Head Todd
    Tall Michelle
    Izzo’s sister Gina
    Wild Bill
    Snaggletooth (steak & eggs guy)
    Steve Fernandez
    John Hickey
    Crypt Keeper…Hickey bro
    West end gang dude named Lee… would rodeo ride the bar stool
    Al Papsadaro
    Bi polar door guy
    Grace bin Ladin
    In and Out guy…wore a black cowboy hat sported a cane [PROFESSOR'S NOTE: I thought this was Zodiac]
    Tummy Steve…lives in Hong Kong
    Snappy…sugar drink..sugar drink
    Rock a Billy Bill
    Randy Randy
    Rock a Billy Bill’s girlfriend
    Hand Shake Mike
    Smiley Mike
    Captain Huevos
    Ornery John…Handyman for bro the realtor
    The Leaner…
    Rum and Coke Jeff
    Peter The Aussie
    Amy annette's cousin...Cousin It
    Peg Leg Arab dude
    Heroin chic who made Grace look fat …worked part time for Miami Rob
    Bruce White
    Vince Thomas
    Curtis older black guy who threw parties [PROFESSOR'S NOTE: good lord, I forgot about Curtis...]
    Matt Brown…big rocks small rocks
    Country Dave…Hammer Down!
    Tanya … dominatrix pro
    Frank the Jank …neck squeezer…walk-in nudist
    British Dave
    Skinny little black chic who looked like Erkel
    Tugboat Sarah
    Lance ...the pizza guy ...cougar snatcher
    Christian's mom (and Lance - remember that scandal?)
    6 foot 3 transvestite

    What deep corner of your mind you have to go to to remember all these people I do not want to know...

  15. um yes Lance....... I was a bit saucy last night.

    Vas Estas?

  16. I still have that full frontal picture of Matt Brown...teehee. Oh and thanks epitomizing the Lance scandal-at least it was good enough to make it to the all time list...I don;t know if I'd call my mom a cougar, though. A few other names come to mind, however. When are you going to make the next round of voting available?