All of your favorite Critters of All-Time, ranked from 1 to 64, ready for head-to-head action! The overall tourney appears below, and underneath that are all the first round match-ups awaiting your vote. Can the overall #1 Kenny Harmon take out all-comers, or does the Zodiac Man know more than all of us?
Don't wait, vote now! Your favorite Critter is depending on you! [Note on the descriptions: BM is Bobby Mac, and his comments are in quotes throughout because, quite honestly, we don't know who some of these people are. But we guarantee you he does...]
The Kenny Harmon Bracket
1. Kenny Harmon v. 16. Grog, or Greg the Other Pizza Guy
Poor Grog has little to no chance in this match-up of the behemoth Critter v. Critter wannabe. BUT...stranger things have happened. No they haven't.
8. Run Around Sue v. 9. Demetrius
Run Around Sue lived under Izzo’s house. "Claimed the soup was never hot. Miss Manners of the homeless." Demetrius: "Gray bearded bum who ashed in his beer to keep others from drinking it. Grocery cart with all the essentials, volunteer furniture arranger."
Rex was a Casanova wannabe, not so successful on that front. Well, maybe he was, I have no idea. Equilibrium challenged. Mr. Gears was a sometimes employee with beautiful neck tattoos. Probably why he was working at the Cantina.
Smoothy...what to say? Bartender extraordinaire. I will say everyone in the kitchen liked it when Smoothy was working. Hell, everyone liked it when Smoothy was behind the bar. I have no idea who Rock-a-Billy Bill is. Bobby says "the name says it all." I guess.
Rob was a disconcerting gigolo. If you don't remember him, you're better off for it. HSM...from Bobby: "part time door guy, full time clever clog." There you go.
I really can't explain Al much better than BM: "Al Capone of the west side." No one really enjoyed seeing him walk in. And he never walked in alone. Tonya was a the Dominatrix Pro. Reportedly had an encounter with The Mayor of Colley Avenue - hmm....tough match-up, this should be a good one.
Vic was the "Jack Kerouac of 'Hard Core Norfolk'.” Sure. One thing Vic had was an endless supply of jokes. Some of them were even good. Frank was "a neck squeezer, walk-in nudist." Don't remember this, but if you do root for the upset. Maybe it was a nice Jank.
I like the BM on Zodiac Man: "Wore a black cowboy hat and sported a cane." Yes. A good friend of Ambriel's, which was strange. And he was strange, maybe the weirdest guy I saw in the place, which is saying something as there's no lack of contenders for that title. The CK: "Hickey’s alter ego brother, simply charming." Didn't know that.
The Ninja Gardener Bracket
1. Steve aka The Ninja Gardener v. 16. Curtis
The NJ: "Prefers hermaphrodites with faces like angels." I'm not sure that's accurate, but it very well may be. Especially the "faces like angels" comment. Steve would drop in at any time - and I mean any time. 3:00 in the morning and there he was doing some sort of something. A Critter if there ever was one. Curtis was on older gay, black guy who seemed to have more money than he knew what to do with. Nice guy. Bad match-up.
We stand aside...BM: Sedena - "Blacker than black chick with hot body. Friends with Urkel."
CH - "Shrewd wise acre entrepreneur, emu and oysters."
Charles: "The Artist formally known as Snappy = sugar drink, chicken juice assassin." We've tried to narrow down who exactly the Bipolar Door Guy is. BM wants him in here, and he's here, who he is only Robert knows.
Charles. Silent. "Bud Draft please." No, let's have a pitcher of Bud Draft. For me. Because I won't talk to anyone. This is a good match-up, Cousin It didn't show her face too often but when she did it was memorable. Unlike Charles' appearances. Conflicting Critter styles, we'll see...and don't tell us we should have added another 't'. It is It.
Herman, Herman. Math genius and MMA golfer, although Fernandez was the one wielding his putter like a scimitar. Also a chess aficionado, but socially trapped in a frat house. And like I mentioned before, I believe he had a tab at Starbucks. Absurd. Tugboat Sarah, from BM: "Mimi's doppelganger from the Drew Carey show. This ain't gonna be your VCU.
Grace from BM: "Svelte blond with an attitude." That's it? Grace looked like Sebastian Bach's strung-out twin sister. On a good day. This is a good match-up of conflicting styles. Jeff was a late add - everyone's favorite rock critic. Well, truth be told, the only rock critic who got published and also hung out at the Cantina. Hmm...who wants to get crushed by Herman in Round two?
Vegas. Actually a good guy, he'd always scold you if took the Lord's name in vain. But don't let that holier than thou attitude fool you. Peg Leg from BM: "Could be Greek." Your guess is as good as mine.
SM from BM: "Surf's up." Ok. I think I know who Scott is and if he's the guy I'm thinking of, wow, a true Critter. But...Urkel has the possibility to be a real dark horse in this tourney. I have NO idea what Urkel's real name was/is, and she was a Critter extraordinaire. I...I can't even describe Urkel. Stranger than fiction.
The Baggs Bracket
1. Billy Baggs v. 16. Muggsy
Poor Muggsy. Lucky for him it'll be an early exit.
Leonard: "Patriarch of the Ant Farm." I'll leave that at that. Scallop Bob: "A choir singer, bourbon drinker, good conversationalist - sometimes with other people. Liked to talk to walls." If this match-up was on TV, I'd mow the lawn - competing for the right to get mowed down by Baggs in Round two.
Big Rocks, Small Rocks versus the biggest tipper that could walk in your bar. Robbie should be handed an early exit because he A) wasn't a moron and, B) couldn't possibly have that much money. Had an aversion to sleeves though.
Snaggletooth was a mythic character - I'm not sure if he even had a job. Got caught stealing (well, he found it on the ground or some such story) Al's wallet one day and tried to charge drinks at a bar down the street. Weird guy, and routinely banned. Big Headed Todd: "Gentle giant (unless off his meds). Serving life in prison for murder." Put two and two together.
If you don't know Nathan then why are you even reading all this. Lance is famous for two things, but one more than the other. He was the Delvecchios pizza guy until he became a Cantina employee. But, more importantly, he likes cougars. More specifically, your mom. You've been warned...
Gina, better known as Izzo's sister, had what BM says, "The most vim per square inch." Vim? She was certainly a curious character. Ornery John: "Handy man for his brother who owned apartments in Ghent. Slumlord super." Thrilling.
I'm not going to waste any description here because we all know who is going to win. Who the hell is Vince Thomas Jr.?
Smiley Mike: "Richie Cunningham-ish rock star wanna be." I think that's a bit harsh, but he had that smile...Randy was " a boisterous gentleman's gentleman hair stylist." WTF does that mean?
The Deb Bracket
1. Deb DeMarco v. 16. Bobo Steppenwolf
I could lie and tell you I know who Bobo Steppenwolf is. But really, why? And even if I did know his story, who cares. Do you know Deb? That's what I thought.
Matches: "Schizo bum addicted to matches." Thus, the name. Crispy: His kid's name was Cocoa Crispy." Well, not exactly true but that's what we all called him. He also stole my HST letters book. Bastard. Truth be told, Crispy (his real name was Chris. I think.) was almost the epitome of Critter. What's gonna hold him back is he was on the right side of the bar most of the time. Well, right for those who didn't have to work with him.
When this tourney was initially seeded, Robert put himself waaaaay too far down in the rankings. A four seed suits him quite nicely. Cliffy: "A local older fellow who was always glad to see you." Goodbye, Cliffy.
Well, well, well. Mr. Fernandez is looking forward to a battle of heavyweights in Round two. Trina: "Portable dairy and walking pharmacy." Neither is going to help her here. Or will they...
The fact that Wild Bill even has to suffer through a first round match-up is an outrage. Heroin Chick: "Made Grace look fat, worked part-time for Miami Rob." That ain't a bad resume, but we don't have enough room for Wild Bill's extensive credentials. Next!
Herb: "Master mathematician theorem blogger." Really? I know who Herb was, but I didn't know that. Not that I got in any long conversations with him. Probably for obvious reasons...Bruce: "Proficient culinarian. Doppelganger of the Mayor of Munchkinland." Bruce thought he took a job cooking where people cared about the latest culinary trends from Bobby Flay. Sucked for him.
Jeff: "Merchant sailor who never went to sea." Jeff receives a three seed and, quite honestly, I'm not sure if there is anyone in this tournament not employed by the Cantina who showed his face more often in the place than Jeff. A good guy, had a weird laugh, like it almost pained him, but a good guy. Peter the Aussie: "Jack of All Trades." What? I have no idea who this guy is, thank BM.
Kevin always had a crazy look in his eyes (thus the name), like he was about ready to snap. Luckily, I made it out before he fulfilled his destiny. Stan: "Could be warlock." If you say so.
And there it is! Don't have too much fun.