Friday, March 18, 2011

All-Time Cantina Critter Madness : The Bracket from Hell

Excited about March Madness?? Upset that your bracket looks like you opened an artery on the morning news? Have no fear, Colley Cantina Critter Madness is here!

All of your favorite Critters of All-Time, ranked from 1 to 64, ready for head-to-head action! The overall tourney appears below, and underneath that are all the first round match-ups awaiting your vote. Can the overall #1 Kenny Harmon take out all-comers, or does the Zodiac Man know more than all of us?

Don't wait, vote now! Your favorite Critter is depending on you! [Note on the descriptions: BM is Bobby Mac, and his comments are in quotes throughout because, quite honestly, we don't know who some of these people are. But we guarantee you he does...]

The Kenny Harmon Bracket

1. Kenny Harmon v. 16. Grog, or Greg the Other Pizza Guy
Poor Grog has little to no chance in this match-up of the behemoth Critter v. Critter wannabe. BUT...stranger things have happened. No they haven't.

8. Run Around Sue v. 9. Demetrius
Run Around Sue lived under Izzo’s house. "Claimed the soup was never hot. Miss Manners of the homeless." Demetrius: "Gray bearded bum who ashed in his beer to keep others from drinking it. Grocery cart with all the essentials, volunteer furniture arranger."

4. Cockney Rex v. 13. Mike Gears
Rex was a Casanova wannabe, not so successful on that front. Well, maybe he was, I have no idea. Equilibrium challenged. Mr. Gears was a sometimes employee with beautiful neck tattoos. Probably why he was working at the Cantina.

5. Smoothy, or The One and Only Steve Powers v. 12. Rock-a-Billy Bill
Smoothy...what to say? Bartender extraordinaire. I will say everyone in the kitchen liked it when Smoothy was working. Hell, everyone liked it when Smoothy was behind the bar. I have no idea who Rock-a-Billy Bill is. Bobby says "the name says it all." I guess.

2. Miami Rob v. 15. Hand Shake Mike
Rob was a disconcerting gigolo. If you don't remember him, you're better off for it. HSM...from Bobby: "part time door guy, full time clever clog." There you go.

7. Al Papsidaro v. 10. Tonya
I really can't explain Al much better than BM: "Al Capone of the west side." No one really enjoyed seeing him walk in. And he never walked in alone. Tonya was a the Dominatrix Pro. Reportedly had an encounter with The Mayor of Colley Avenue - hmm....tough match-up, this should be a good one.

3.Vic Demise v. 14. Frank (The Jank)
Vic was the "Jack Kerouac of 'Hard Core Norfolk'.” Sure. One thing Vic had was an endless supply of jokes. Some of them were even good. Frank was "a neck squeezer, walk-in nudist." Don't remember this, but if you do root for the upset. Maybe it was a nice Jank.

6. Zodiac Man v. 11. Crypt Keeper
I like the BM on Zodiac Man: "Wore a black cowboy hat and sported a cane." Yes. A good friend of Ambriel's, which was strange. And he was strange, maybe the weirdest guy I saw in the place, which is saying something as there's no lack of contenders for that title. The CK: "Hickey’s alter ego brother, simply charming." Didn't know that.

The Ninja Gardener Bracket

1. Steve aka The Ninja Gardener v. 16. Curtis
The NJ: "Prefers hermaphrodites with faces like angels." I'm not sure that's accurate, but it very well may be. Especially the "faces like angels" comment. Steve would drop in at any time - and I mean any time. 3:00 in the morning and there he was doing some sort of something. A Critter if there ever was one. Curtis was on older gay, black guy who seemed to have more money than he knew what to do with. Nice guy. Bad match-up.

8.Sedena v. 9. Captain Huevos
We stand aside...BM: Sedena - "Blacker than black chick with hot body. Friends with Urkel."
CH - "Shrewd wise acre entrepreneur, emu and oysters."

4. Snappy v. 13. Bipolar Door Guy
Charles: "The Artist formally known as Snappy = sugar drink, chicken juice assassin." We've tried to narrow down who exactly the Bipolar Door Guy is. BM wants him in here, and he's here, who he is only Robert knows.

5. Charles, or the Guy from the Naro v. 12. Amy aka Cousin It
Charles. Silent. "Bud Draft please." No, let's have a pitcher of Bud Draft. For me. Because I won't talk to anyone. This is a good match-up, Cousin It didn't show her face too often but when she did it was memorable. Unlike Charles' appearances. Conflicting Critter styles, we'll see...and don't tell us we should have added another 't'. It is It.

2. Greg Herman v. 15. Tugboat Sarah
Herman, Herman. Math genius and MMA golfer, although Fernandez was the one wielding his putter like a scimitar. Also a chess aficionado, but socially trapped in a frat house. And like I mentioned before, I believe he had a tab at Starbucks. Absurd. Tugboat Sarah, from BM: "Mimi's doppelganger from the Drew Carey show. This ain't gonna be your VCU.

7. Grace aka Grace bin Laden v. 10. Jeff Maisey
Grace from BM: "Svelte blond with an attitude." That's it? Grace looked like Sebastian Bach's strung-out twin sister. On a good day. This is a good match-up of conflicting styles. Jeff was a late add - everyone's favorite rock critic. Well, truth be told, the only rock critic who got published and also hung out at the Cantina. Hmm...who wants to get crushed by Herman in Round two?

3. Vegas v. 14. Peg Leg Arab Dude
Vegas. Actually a good guy, he'd always scold you if took the Lord's name in vain. But don't let that holier than thou attitude fool you. Peg Leg from BM: "Could be Greek." Your guess is as good as mine.

6. Scott McCaskey v. 11. Urkel
SM from BM: "Surf's up." Ok. I think I know who Scott is and if he's the guy I'm thinking of, wow, a true Critter. But...Urkel has the possibility to be a real dark horse in this tourney. I have NO idea what Urkel's real name was/is, and she was a Critter extraordinaire. I...I can't even describe Urkel. Stranger than fiction.

The Baggs Bracket

1. Billy Baggs v. 16. Muggsy
Poor Muggsy. Lucky for him it'll be an early exit.

8. Leonard v. 9. Scallop Bob
Leonard: "Patriarch of the Ant Farm." I'll leave that at that. Scallop Bob: "A choir singer, bourbon drinker, good conversationalist - sometimes with other people. Liked to talk to walls." If this match-up was on TV, I'd mow the lawn - competing for the right to get mowed down by Baggs in Round two.

4. Matt Brown v. 13. Robbie
Big Rocks, Small Rocks versus the biggest tipper that could walk in your bar. Robbie should be handed an early exit because he A) wasn't a moron and, B) couldn't possibly have that much money. Had an aversion to sleeves though.

5. Snaggletooth v. 12. Big Headed Todd
Snaggletooth was a mythic character - I'm not sure if he even had a job. Got caught stealing (well, he found it on the ground or some such story) Al's wallet one day and tried to charge drinks at a bar down the street. Weird guy, and routinely banned. Big Headed Todd: "Gentle giant (unless off his meds). Serving life in prison for murder." Put two and two together.

2. Nathan Berger v. 15. Lance
If you don't know Nathan then why are you even reading all this. Lance is famous for two things, but one more than the other. He was the Delvecchios pizza guy until he became a Cantina employee. But, more importantly, he likes cougars. More specifically, your mom. You've been warned...

2. Gina v. 10. Ornery John
Gina, better known as Izzo's sister, had what BM says, "The most vim per square inch." Vim? She was certainly a curious character. Ornery John: "Handy man for his brother who owned apartments in Ghent. Slumlord super." Thrilling.

3. Country or Hammer Down! v. 14. Vince Thomas Jr.
I'm not going to waste any description here because we all know who is going to win. Who the hell is Vince Thomas Jr.?

6. Smiley Mike v. 11. Randy Randy
Smiley Mike: "Richie Cunningham-ish rock star wanna be." I think that's a bit harsh, but he had that smile...Randy was " a boisterous gentleman's gentleman hair stylist." WTF does that mean?

The Deb Bracket

1. Deb DeMarco v. 16. Bobo Steppenwolf
I could lie and tell you I know who Bobo Steppenwolf is. But really, why? And even if I did know his story, who cares. Do you know Deb? That's what I thought.

8. Matches v. 9. Crispy
Matches: "Schizo bum addicted to matches." Thus, the name. Crispy: His kid's name was Cocoa Crispy." Well, not exactly true but that's what we all called him. He also stole my HST letters book. Bastard. Truth be told, Crispy (his real name was Chris. I think.) was almost the epitome of Critter. What's gonna hold him back is he was on the right side of the bar most of the time. Well, right for those who didn't have to work with him.

4. Mr. Robert McNamara v. 13. Cliffy
When this tourney was initially seeded, Robert put himself waaaaay too far down in the rankings. A four seed suits him quite nicely. Cliffy: "A local older fellow who was always glad to see you." Goodbye, Cliffy.

5. Steve Fernandez v. 12. Trina
Well, well, well. Mr. Fernandez is looking forward to a battle of heavyweights in Round two. Trina: "Portable dairy and walking pharmacy." Neither is going to help her here. Or will they...

2. Wild Bill v. 15. Heroin Chick
The fact that Wild Bill even has to suffer through a first round match-up is an outrage. Heroin Chick: "Made Grace look fat, worked part-time for Miami Rob." That ain't a bad resume, but we don't have enough room for Wild Bill's extensive credentials. Next!

7. Herb v. 10. Bruce White
Herb: "Master mathematician theorem blogger." Really? I know who Herb was, but I didn't know that. Not that I got in any long conversations with him. Probably for obvious reasons...Bruce: "Proficient culinarian. Doppelganger of the Mayor of Munchkinland." Bruce thought he took a job cooking where people cared about the latest culinary trends from Bobby Flay. Sucked for him.

3. Rum and Coke Jeff vs. 14. Peter the Aussie
Jeff: "Merchant sailor who never went to sea." Jeff receives a three seed and, quite honestly, I'm not sure if there is anyone in this tournament not employed by the Cantina who showed his face more often in the place than Jeff. A good guy, had a weird laugh, like it almost pained him, but a good guy. Peter the Aussie: "Jack of All Trades." What? I have no idea who this guy is, thank BM.

6. Crazy Kevin v. 11. Dreadlock Stan
Kevin always had a crazy look in his eyes (thus the name), like he was about ready to snap. Luckily, I made it out before he fulfilled his destiny. Stan: "Could be warlock." If you say so.

And there it is! Don't have too much fun.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

All-Time Cantina Critter Tournament

Here it is, what everyone has not been waiting for...the tournament to decide who is your favorite Colley Cantina 'patron' of All-Time. There are many deserving candidates, but only a chosen few will actually be seeded in the tournament with a chance to be named The All-Time Cantina Critter. Whitey and I (and Bobby Mac) will provide some initial candidates, but we more than welcome any additional suggestions. We would like to post pictures (a la the video game tourney which now, finally, after six months, we will move on to a second round), so if you have any send 'em on -

But back to our contest. We have some initial qualifiers, many of whom you will recognize due to their consistent appearance on the wrong side of the bar.  Remember, this is a battle of the best-of-the-best, not a pissing contest with your ex-boyfriend. We want your favorites - we're not here to settle old scores...

So let's get started. The envelope please!
  1. Kenny Harmon. A strong number one seed at this point. Anyone wishing to knock Kenny out better bring their A-game.
  2. Deb S'Marco. Or Smarco or S. Marco or maybe it's DeMarco. Who cares, we all know who she is and, again, a strong one seed. Also an employee at times, which only solidifies her seed seeing as she was also banned from the Cantina on multiple occasions.
  3. Mr. Robert McNamara. While he is one of the initiators of this contest, he now becomes a contestant. Anyone with their own language (McAneese) named after them is a strong contender. Single-handedly made sure the crack machine and Bud draft were money makers. Hold on - did he ever pay for those beers...
  4. Greg Herman. Chess aficionado. I believe he also had a freakin' tab at Starbucks. C'mon man, they're not going to give you the patent on that thing...
  5. Vic Demise. Well, his name is Vic Demise. 
  6. Taylor. The best posture on a man drinking pitchers of draft beer. Ever.
  7. Nathan Berger. Yep, Nathan. Probably still there. Nice guy. Probably...still there.
  8. Vegas. At last report, Vegas is a current employee of the Cantina. Which boggles my mind. Well, no it doesn't. Anyone who calls themselves Vegas can't really be looking for less attention.
  9. Miami Rob. I don't remember much about Miami Rob except that he was banned from the Cantina every so often and he wore flip flops all the time. 
  10. Country, or, as we all know him, Hammer Down. One of a kind. Just when you thought you'd seen it all this guy came along. "Hammer down, Robert! Hammer down!"
  11. Billy Baggs. As a rule we're trying to avoid employees. Alright, no we're not. Billy, also known as The Mayor of Colley Avenue, has been a Cantina staple for time immemorial. Could be a sentimental favorite.
  12. Steve Fernandez. Ah, Steve. The only person I've ever truly feared was going to kill someone (Herman) on a golf course. His inclusion on this list is sure to piss him off - which is only one reason why he's on it.
  13. Wild Bill. His name was Bill, but no one called him Bill. Everyone called him Wild Bill and he knew it. I have no clue what his chosen profession was, but it might as well have been drinking at the Cantina five days a week. 
  14. Matt Brown. I think his last name was Brown. Regardless, Matt will always be famous for his "breaking big rocks into smaller rocks" comment, and was pretty much known as not the smartest guy you'd ever met.
That's your start. Trust me, we know of many other candidates but we want to hear yours. We'll rank everyone and start the tourney, well, as soon as we feel like it. Soon. Happy reminiscing! (HERE is what the bracket looks like currently,, definitely going to change before the contest begins!)

See a Critter? We do!